See version 1 here, and my inspiration here. Enjoy.
*Drug tests and relapses. How did you sleep?
*WTH? What's with the horse head and twin dancers?
*Tyler has been up banging on sh*t since 4. I've been up since 4.
*There is a pack of coyotes howling right now.
*(1 minute later) That is K on the periodic table.
*... and this gross lady in buckskins.
*Date with the nibbler is over. He kind of grew on me.
*You are missing a horrible windstorm.
*Yes. Ron. Swanson.
*Crap on a stick.
*I may or may not be using your trifle dish to make the trifle recipe I stole from your pinterest to make a dessert from a bridal shower I'm hosting.
*Clothing would be my vote.
*Pretty much pure hell.
*Oh man!! I'm am so stupid!!
*No I'm not fat .... I'm pregnant.
*I did and I regret it and I threw up in my mouth.
*Yeah. Hope that 60K in debt was worth it.
*Sweet Dee is the king of the world.
*(2 minutes later) Or queen.
*I am just naturally fat :)
*I know, which I find puzzling because she seems so normal.
*So he texted me and wanted to know how my date was. He sucks.
*Do you think he will freak out on a giant flat wakeboarding tube floating down the provo? It's really big.
*But a lion tamer gets to not only be in charge of lions but also gets to have a whip and wear leather!
*Sounds like the dumbass runs in the family.
*If you see him, kick him in the balls for me.
And ... another plug for my darling niece Soph -- please donate! They are getting so close to their goal - click here.